The view of our room from the door.
The bookshelf
Our bunkbed
My desk and chest with our tv and my teddy bear collection.
My stuffed full closet with all out clothing.
I have been on my own for over 4 years now. It is weird but I have been feeling really homesick lately. I am used to missing my family and not having them around. But well, I miss them. It is killing me not to be there in Arizona with them. I don't even know why I am feeling this way. I know this summer I was thinking about Arizona. But it still comes down to a small thing, I don't even know where home is. I have moved around so much that it is ridiculous. I can live most any where, but lately the southwest has been calling my name. It has been 8 years since I last lived in the state. There were some summers in high school and a week long visit 2.5 years ago. Home is where my family is......or where I park my car and hang my clothing collection. I know that working and finishing what you start was ingrained in me. But my family is across the US in a land that is slowly growing more and more on me. I have always loved the mountains and the outdoors with the beautiful scenery. I just need to learn to be happy where I am at. Enjoy the pics of my lovely home - Arizona ( I got them online).
Beauty from the Pain
I struggle. I struggle a lot. Sometimes I struggle because I am struggling. Why do I have to worry? Why does it matter what others think? Why is it hard to be yourself around others? What will my future bring? Am I pretty? Why do I make such a fool of myself? What do I have to do to make everything alright? Do others like me for me or what I can give them? Am I even able to give them anything at all? Am I worth it? Why do I feel so worthless? Why can’t I just sit there and let God be in control? Is it wrong to want something amazing, but not believe I deserve it? What is my problem? Why am I so messed up? Why can’t I do anything right? Why am I so insecure, that I feel like a mirror shattered into a million, billion pieces? Why doesn’t anyone every see this in me? Why do they tell me that I am a strong woman? Why do compliments make me feel torn up inside? Yet strangely, I like them. Don’t get me wrong, compliments are nice, but I don’t always know how to take them. Why can’t I speak up when I should? Why do I speak up at the wrong time? Why can’t I love myself? Why can’t I see what God sees? What does He see?
I want to be a strong woman who can take care of herself and be a support to those around her, but I feel so weak and stupid sometimes. I hate not knowing things. I want everything to be alright and no one to struggle. I want someone to be there for me and to be my support. I want that visible person to be my friend through thick and thin. I miss that fellowship, but I won’t open up for it. What is with that? You want something so badly but it is too much to allow it? Why can’t life be easy? Where have all the answers gone?
Just because I am laughing and smiling doesn’t mean I am falling apart; or I am not bouncing off the walls, doesn’t mean my world is falling apart. Sometimes my head is concerned about what is going on in my life, but my heart is overwhelmed with your burdens and struggles knowing there is not a blessed thing I can do about it except pray and be there for you if you need it. I would give anything not to see you struggle. Anything. But I don’t like being taken advantage of. Don’t treat me like you know I am always going to be there, something just might be happening in my life that I can’t see past to help you; even though I want to help.
Why is it such a struggle to see what God sees in me? Why does He think I am worth something? I know He cares. He cares so much! So much that He sent His son to take my place for my sins. Why do I think I am a terrible person? What have I done that makes me think that? I could name numerous things but they don’t add up to make such a retched person, especially in light of who I am.
I am a child of God. I am a beautiful woman of God. I have my struggles, but that is human. I lose my focus, but that can be changed. I mess up but I am a woman who learns from those mistakes. I care deeply about others. I am just learning how to allow others into my heart. I want great things to do great things for others. I have a heart to teach others, but am scared spit less about not doing a good enough job. I love with my whole heart. I laugh with my whole heart. I am woman who is learning that life has ups and downs; life is beautiful, yet painful. The things that we consider and hold to be beautiful are forged through the fire. Diamonds, gorgeous things that they are, come into existence through the fire and shaping chisel of the artist. It is the same with people. Those women you consider to be beautiful are those that have been put through the fire. Life has chipped away at them. There are reasons for the things we go through. We don’t always understand why we go through what we do, but God knows what He is shaping up into. There will still be worry and doubt, but that is because we cannot see the big picture.
Find the beauty in the pain.
My Dad's 39th Birthday
Easter some year in Germany
Grand Canyon just a little bit from my home.
My 22nd birthday with my siblings
The Military/Missionary Child
I am a child of the military/mission.
My hometown is nowhere, my friends are everywhere.
My home is where my heart and family are,
My roots grow as deep and strong as the might oak.
Travel has taught me to be open, shaking hands with the universe
I find brotherhood and strength in everyone I meet.
Leaving is never easy, yet even in sadness comes the strength and ability to face tomorrow with eagerness and hope.
Friendships are formed in hours and kept for decades I will never grow up with the same friends, yet I will never be alone
Be it inevitable that our paths will part, there is constant hope that we will meet again.
-Author unknown-
This is Bob. I wonder if my sister will recognize him working with me at the watch cart?
