I have not journaled in a long time. I have written in my online blog but not my journal. My journal is where the epitome of my whole being is expressed. It is sometimes even hard for me to express myself in that little book. My journal is the cry of my heart. My heart has not called or cried out since May 16, 2010. It feels like a lifetime since then. I am back to some of the same struggles. I have been so busy that I have been neglecting so much in my life. My anxieties, worries, and struggles have been suffocating me. I can’t breathe, sleep, or not be sick. I am miserable. But then I realize, I have not been giving my worries and cares over to the One who can comfort me. Life seems so hard and like there are no solutions or directions. I know there are, in time they will be shared but for now….I need to learn how to have faith. I need to learn to trust.

Faith and trust ~Two very simple words that are huge continents in my life that I cannot seem to explore. I almost wonder if there is something innately wrong with me. Why does faith seem impossible to believe? How come I cannot trust? It is not that I do not want those things, it just seems that I am too stubborn, stupid, and independent. I do not want to do it by myself anymore. I need help. I need to remember God cares about everything, especially little details such as where I should live when I graduate and providing me with a teaching job.

I am thoroughly exhausted with work, life, myself and not trusting. I need a vacation from myself. I need to let God be God and Shasta be Shasta. It is a constant struggle, but I pray I am learning to trust.

I need to learn to relax and let God.  I need to turn to him and depend on Him alone.  It is not my cup of tea, but I cannot do it anymore.  I can't do it alone.  I need help, I am not meant to be alone........I am choosing that path because I am stubborn and stupid.  God alone can heal my lonely heart but I wont turn to Him caz I wont trust Him.  How stupid can I be?

This is what I am feeling.  I found a song that reflects my mood right now. 

Beautiful Disater

By Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade
And hates the sound that goodbye's make
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her

She swears that there's no difference
Between the lies and compliments
It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough
The pictures that she sees make her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's given boys what they want
And tries to act nonchalant
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction

She never stays the same for long
Assuming that she'll get it wrong
Perfect only in her imperfection

She's not a drama queen
She doesn't want to feel this way
Only 17 but tired

She would change everything, for happy ever after
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She's just the way she is but no one's told her that's okay

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

She would change everything, for happy ever after
Caught in the in-between a beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home
She just needs someone to take her home