I have not journaled in a long time. I have written in my online blog but not my journal. My journal is where the epitome of my whole being is expressed. It is sometimes even hard for me to express myself in that little book. My journal is the cry of my heart. My heart has not called or cried out since May 16, 2010. It feels like a lifetime since then. I am back to some of the same struggles. I have been so busy that I have been neglecting so much in my life. My anxieties, worries, and struggles have been suffocating me. I can’t breathe, sleep, or not be sick. I am miserable. But then I realize, I have not been giving my worries and cares over to the One who can comfort me. Life seems so hard and like there are no solutions or directions. I know there are, in time they will be shared but for now….I need to learn how to have faith. I need to learn to trust.

Faith and trust ~Two very simple words that are huge continents in my life that I cannot seem to explore. I almost wonder if there is something innately wrong with me. Why does faith seem impossible to believe? How come I cannot trust? It is not that I do not want those things, it just seems that I am too stubborn, stupid, and independent. I do not want to do it by myself anymore. I need help. I need to remember God cares about everything, especially little details such as where I should live when I graduate and providing me with a teaching job.

I am thoroughly exhausted with work, life, myself and not trusting. I need a vacation from myself. I need to let God be God and Shasta be Shasta. It is a constant struggle, but I pray I am learning to trust.